Happy to be here.

A year and some change has gone by since my mom has been gone. I was pretty silly to think that since we had a year of “firsts” out of the way that her absence would feel a little bit easier or that the weight would become noticeably lighter.

Fun fact: it hasn’t.

Because the truth is… there are still so many firsts she’s not here for. And many more to come.

Loretta lost her first tooth recently. Big day and lots of energy. I remember picking up the phone to text my family and naturally… my fingers swiped to her text mom first, which is still pinned to the top of my messages. I stared at the text thread for a moment. And scrolled back to some of our last conversations. I eventually took a deep breath and then proceeded to text my dad and sister.

Anyway. There isn’t much more to add to this.

This is a shameless plug and it’s for a good cause.

First. Are you familiar with Kiwanis? Long story short, it’s a global organization that assists with the needs of children in the community. Second, if there’s a club near you, JOIN.

Each club has a service project and my local club’s project is our clothes closet. We keep it pretty well stocked with pants, tops, coats year around, thanks to local churches and businesses and some great individuals. But one thing we’re severely lacking? Socks and underwear.

We have about 300-400 kids in our community that we are trying to provide at least two pairs of both socks and underwear for, by the first day of school in August.

If you’re up late doom scrolling, consider taking a look at our wish list and sending some goods over here to small town Texas.

You’re awesome and appreciated. Thanks!

The one that calls me mama. I love you so much.

My sweet mom passed away peacefully on April 19th. Which was also my dad’s birthday.

Mom fought hard and gracefully for three and a half years. And we had her with us, mentally, until the very end. But her body was just too tired. And it was finally time to rest.

Last year my family participated in the DFW PanCan Purple Stride. And we had decided to participate this year as a team. Mom was so looking forward to attending again. So just a week and one day later, we still attended, rocking our team shirts… broken hearts, puffy red eyes and all.

This week we had her visitation, service and burial. It was all beautiful and exactly how we envisioned it. We hosted a reception for our family and friends following the burial, where we had a Bloody Mary bar (mom’s favorite), we listened to her favorite classic rock songs, we laughed and cried together. It was perfect.

I’m really sad. I hurt. Right now I feel like there’s a hole in me that I keep falling into. And I know over time I’ll gain the strength to pull myself out. And each time it will feel a little bit easier than the last. But for now I’m just going to lie here a little while.

Easter party at school. She was the Bingo Champion. And proud we are.

Every morning when I drop Loretta off, I help her with her backpack and hand her her lunchbox. I give her a big hug and a kiss and I tell her “I love you. Make good choices. And be kind.” She nods and gives me one last squeeze around my neck. Then I watch her walk down the long, what used to be scary, hallway. Sometimes alone and sometimes with a buddy. And there’s no point to this story other than I’m proud of her. And I’m glad I’m hers.

I’m a big fan of Lanny having a spring break now.

Last November we had to put down our precious family kitty girl, Dorothy. And that night and the days to follow, we had multiple conversations with Loretta about death. Whenever she would ask if this person or that person (including us, our family and friends) and if this toy or that toy and this animal or that animal was going to pass away, we’d always answer seriously and honestly.

And we continue to occasionally have these conversations with her, every time she asks. Sometimes they’re brief. Sometimes they upset her. Sometimes half way through an explanation she gets distracted by Cheerios.

Tonight she told me, “Mommy, I don’t want you to pass away.” I pause. I let out a slight sigh. And I say “Baby. I will pass away someday. But I’m going to be here with you as long as I possibly can. And when I can’t be here with you, I’ll be in the stars like Dorothy. And I’ll be with you in your heart.” She asks, “Will you hug my heart?” “All day, every day.”

A few weeks ago when we got news that my mother’s cancer had spread, I remember having similar thoughts that Loretta had tonight… Mommy, I don’t want you to pass away. We don’t know where this new path is going to lead us. I can’t fall down the rabbit hole of “what if’s.” But I just have to give myself the same advice we’ve been giving her. I have to tell myself… she’s here as long as she can be. And that’s all we’ve got. So I’m going to enjoy it for as long as I can.

Also. Loretta calls things the wrong names often. Or just made up names. Like Urban Air (the trampoline park) is the jumpoline park. And granola bars are gorilla bars. So when I use the correct words, it sounds weird to me. And now I just don’t know what’s real anymore.

New job for husband = more dad & daughter day dates. And as much as I wish I could’ve had the extra time to be home, I’m happy he gets this opportunity to play catch-up with her.

But I did I take extra time off around the holidays and spent 10 days straight with my family. And both Mr T and I agree it was one of the best weeks of our entire relationship. And also the longest break we’ve had together, excluding our honeymoon.

Oh. I also had a birthday in December.

So yeah, things are good.